The Texts of a Sociopath
by Lisa Smithers
Summary: Jim Moriarty is bored. He decides to text Sherlock, who is also bored. They become texting buddies. John doesn't know why Sherlock is smiling and laughing at his phone. This will be a series of one shots based on their conversations. Also features texts from other characters.
1. The Beginning of It All

John was out at Tesco (likely having another row with the chip and pin machine) and Sherlock was playing his violin when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 **I'm bored. - JM**

A small smile made its way up Sherlock's face.

 **Make me not bored. - JM**

 **Don't you have some sort of terrorist attack plotting to do? - SH**

 **No. I finished that this morning. - JM**

 **Hmm... I finished my experiment this morning. Then I had a case, but it was only a 3. Child's play, really. I enjoy your cases much more. - SH**

 **Yeah, it's almost painful to hire criminals these days. None of them have a clue. I have to train them up as soon as I get them.- JM**

 **Getting more arrogant now days, aren't they? - SH**

 **Tell me about it -JM**

 **I probably ought to do an experiment on that... figure out why... -SH**

 **Let me know the results if you do. Might make for an easier time on my part. -JM**

 **I will. - SH**

 **It's been a long time since I've done any experiments... I've been too busy, you know, controlling the criminal underworld and all. -JM**

 **You can never be too busy for experiments. - SH**

 **I don't know, I haven't had hardly a second to myself since that cab driver thing. - JM**

 **What are you doing now then? -SH**

 **Well, I'm talking to you, but I'm supposed to be listening to this meeting thing I'm sitting at a table for. - JM**

 **Dull. - SH**

 **I agree. - JM**

 **Why should you be listening? - SH**

 **A little group I developed to help get my network going is trying to decide their future, they don't seem to have figure out that they don't have one yet. -JM**

 **Are they ordinary? - SH**

 **Most of them, yes. There's one that I think I'll keep, but the rest of them are idiots I only use them to gather funds. -JM**

 **That explains it. - SH**

 **Yeah... - JM**

 **What? - SH**

 **What what? - JM**

 **You're going to ask me a question. - SH**

 **How did you know? - JM**

 **John always sort of trails off before he asks me a question. Other people do too. Even Mycroft. So what do you want to know? - SH**

 **Have you ever met someone like us before? - JM**

 **No. - SH**

 **Does that bother you as much as it bothers me? - JM**

 **Sometimes, yes. - SH**

 **I mean, there are 7.349 billion people on this planet, yet it's just you, me, and Mycroft. And not even Mycroft really, he doesn't count. - JM**

 **I agree, but out of** **curiosity, why don't you count him? - SH**

 **I don't know, he just seems different than us. Not to say that he's not a genius, he is, just in a different way. -JM**

 **I know what you mean. Irritating when we can figure out how to put our thoughts to words, isn't it? -SH**

 **I don't think others know the torture. - JM**

 **Me neither. - SH**

 **Gosh, why isn't this meeting over yet?! They've already covered everything 16 times! - JM**

 **Normal people have shorter memories and they can't think well on the fly, you'll just have to deal with it. Annoying as it may be.- SH**

 **Speaking of normal people, how is John? I didn't actually mean for them to hit him that hard when I kidnapped him last time. - JM**

 **He's fine. A little sore still, but fine. - SH**

 **Yeah, I got onto my kidnapper ring about that. They said they were just defending themselves. -JM**

 **Possible, but that's not the story I got from John. I don't see why he would lie to me. - SH**

 **He probably didn't. I hired a new group of kidnappers, so next time should be a little more professional. - JM**

 **You work fast. - SH**

 **I do, when I want to. - JM**

 **Other times I'm slow as a slug. - JM**

 **Maybe slower. - JM**

 **I have actually seen some pretty fast slugs. - JM**

 **Hilarious. - SH**

 **I know. - JM**

 **Where is John anyway? - JM**

 **Shopping. - SH**

 **Hmm... too overstimulating. -JM**

 **My thoughts exactly. - SH**

 **I hate it when he brings me a long. - SH**

 **Why do you go then? You could just say no.- JM**

 **He always gets the groceries, it's only fair I come sometimes. - SH**

 **I don't know how you live with John. He must be so annoying. - JM**

 **He is sometimes, but he's also very nice and helpful other times. - SH**

 **Like when? - JM**

 **Well, he does get most of the groceries, and he makes very, very good tea. Much better than the tea I make. He also is handy for reducing boredom most of the time, and he makes sure that I don't run myself ragged. Which is actually quite the problem. - SH**

 **Yeah, same here. Maybe I should get myself a 'gold fish' as Mycroft calls them. - JM**

 **It has improved my life significantly, but it's also made it much more complex. Normal people, while not as smart as us, are just as confusing. - SH**

 **How so? - JM**

 **Well, if you want them to stay not angry with you, then you have to learn all these little things about them, for example, John doesn't take sugar in his coffee. Stuff like that. You also have to learn the different facial expressions they have and what they mean, as well as what you're supposed to do in response. - SH**

 **Sounds like more trouble than it's worth. - JM**

 **I think it's worth it. There's more to it too though. It feels really good when they're happy, and really bad when they're mad at you. It's quite a strange phenomenon. I've yet to find the scientific reason behind it. - SH**

 **Hmm... that is interesting. I'll try it and text you the results. - JM**

 **Sounds good. More input would be useful in an experiment like that. - SH**

 **I've got to go, John is back. - SH**

 **Alright. Bye. - JM**

* * *

John walked into the room to see Sherlock sliding his phone back into his pocket.

"Did you get the plastic forks?" Sherlock asked.

"Yes, though I'm still not sure what you want with 1,000 of them." John said.

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ So, tell me what you think! I hope you enjoyed it!


	2. Agreed

**Bad day. - JM**

 **Really, really, really bad day. - JM**

Sherlock smirked at his phone.

 **Why would that be? - SH**

 **Because I have absolutely no ideas! - JM**

 **Can you believe that?! - JM**

 **Not a single one! - JM**

 **I somehow find that hard to believe. - SH**

 **Alright, I've had plenty, but none of them have been worth continuing to think about. - JM**

 **I see. - SH**

 **Either give me an idea, or distract me. - JM**

 **Hmm... No. - SH**

 **Oh come on, you're probably just as bored as me!- JM**

 **Say it then. - SH**

 **Say what? - JM**

 **You know what. - SH**

 **No I don't, actually. - JM**

 **Here's a hint, what do normal people say when they want something? - SH**

 **I don't know, what? - JM**

 **Wait. - JM**

 **Uh uh. No way. Not going to happen.- JM**

Sherlock started to chuckle aloud, but quickly smothered it with a cough when John glanced his way.

 **I guess you'll die of boredom then... - SH**

 **Just tell me something interesting! - JM**

 **Nope. I'm going to stop talking to you until you say it. - SH**

 **But Sherlock! That's not fair! - JM**

 **When is something for us? - SH**

 **... Good point... I'm still not saying it.- JM**

 **Suit yourself. - SH**

Sherlock turned his phone off and leaned back to wait.

He knew it wouldn't be long, and he was right.

Within ten minutes, his phone vibrated.

 **Alright! PLEASE! Are you happy now? Because I'm not saying it again.** **\- JM**

 **Yes, thank you. - SH**

 **Now give me the distraction. - JM**

 **All done. - SH**

 **What do you mean? - JM**

 **I already did. - SH**

 **Did what? - JM**

 **Gave you the distraction. - SH**

 **... - JM**

 **Well, you didn't think about how bored you were for most of that, did you? - SH**

 **I'm going to guess that you were primarily just pouting. - SH**

 **Sherlock... - JM**

 **Alright, alright, give me a moment, I'll think of something. - SH**

Sherlock searched his mind for interesting topics for them to discuss.

 **Have you gotten yourself a normal person yet? - SH**

 **No, not yet. I've been meaning to ask you, exactly where do you find a good one? - JM**

 **Well, you don't exactly go looking for them. It's more like they find you, and you've just got to recognize it when they come. - SH**

 **Might take awhile, but it will happen eventually. - SH**

 **And how am I supposed to tell a good one from a bad one? - JM**

 **Well, I don't think there are many bad ones out there, just different than the ones that could handle us. - SH**

 **That's probably true. - JM**

 **Since you're a lot like me, you should probably look for a normal person like John. - SH**

 **A retired army doctor with a psychosomatic limp that has been shot in the shoulder? - JM**

 **Maybe not quite that specific. - SH**

 **So... Some one a little more... calm? - JM**

 **Yes, I'd say so. - SH**

 **But wouldn't they be boring? - JM**

 **I thought so at first, but it's actually kind of nice, some of the things normal people do... I never thought I'd like them, but I sort of like some of them. - SH**

 **Like what? - JM**

Sherlock paused for a moment, realizing this was the most he had ever actually thought about the subject.

 **Well... It's sort of nice and sort of not nice to have someone who worries about you when you're hurt or in danger. And to have someone to patch you up when you've been injured. It's nice to have someone who doesn't think you're... what's the word? - SH**

 **Intimidating? - JM**

 **Not the one I was looking for, but it will suffice. - SH**

 **It's good to be treated like you are normal sometimes. - SH**

 **He- he does that? Treats you like you're normal? - JM**

 **Sometimes, yes, it's some of my favorite times, actually. We'll just have finished a case, and we'll both be so exhausted we're laughing about things that aren't funny. Or he'll say something ridiculous, and I'll laugh at its stupidity. Then there's the times when we're just sitting together in the living room watching some show on the telly that we both hate but watch anyway. Sometimes we eat Chinese take away, other times we go to Angelo's afterwards. Then later it gets exciting and I'll go running after a criminal, and I don't even have to look back, because I know he's always behind me. -SH**

* * *

Jim Moriarty read Sherlock's text, and sighed.

 _"_ What I wouldn't give for that." He said aloud to himself.

He felt the phone vibrate again.

 **Unless of course I hear some sort of bang, or gun shot. Then I have to look behind me to check on him, but not usually. - SH**

Moriarty smiled.

 **If you're thinking that sounds boring, you're very, very wrong. - SH**

 **No, I wasn't thinking that it all. - JM**

 **It- it sounds rather nice, actually. - JM**

 **It is. I actually hadn't thought about it that much until now... But John has changed my life a lot. For the better. You should get a friend too. - SH**

* * *

 **Don't you count? - JM**

Sherlock considered this a moment.

 **Sort of, I guess, but isn't it one of those unspoken law things? You can't be friends with your nemesis? - SH**

 **How am I supposed to know? You're the angel, only the angels have rules. - JM**

 **You are mistaken, Jim. As I have said before, I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one _second_ that I am one of them. - SH**

 **No. You're not. I see, you're not ordinary. No, you're me. Thank you... - JM**

A picture of the scene where those very words were spoken flashed before Sherlock's eyes, and for a moment, only a moment, he felt the same panic he had on that roof top. The same confusion, the same lack of control, the same shock.

With shaking hands, he typed out,

 **Don't you dare act out the next part. - SH**

 **If I'm still alive, then you can save your friends... - JM**

Sherlock felt the panic become more intense. He quickly glanced around the room to make sure John wasn't in the room.

 **No. Stop- I'm serious. Please, don't. - SH**

* * *

Jim's thumbs halted over the keypad as Sherlock's text came in.

Something about it just made him hesitate.

Sherlock did seem serious...

 **Why? - JM**

After several minutes with still no answer, he sent another text.

 **Sherlock? - JM**

 **What's wrong? Are you alright? - JM**

At last he got an answer, a few seconds after his last message.

 **Fine, just- don't remind me of that part. - SH**

 **Why? - JM**

* * *

Sherlock hesitated in answering, but eventually did so.

 **Your killing yourself, even be it that I now know it was fake, it got to me more than I'd care to admit. - SH**

There were a few seconds before the next text came in.

 **Me too. - JM**

Sherlock looked at his phone in confusion.

 **What do you mean? - SH**

 **When I saw the footage of you jumping. It bothered me. - JM**

 **Oh. Why did it bother you? - SH**

 **Same reason it bothered you, I guess. - JM**

 **I didn't want to be the only one like us in the world. - JM**

There was a small pause in the conversation, just a few minutes, then Sherlock felt his phone buzz again.

 **I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't think about how much different it would have been in real life than just on a tape. - JM**

 **It's fine, I started it. - SH**

 **Let's never bring it up again. - JM**

 **Agreed. - SH**

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ So, I hope you liked it, and if you can see any conversations between them just shoot me a PM and tell me about it. I'm always open to new ideas.


	3. The Velvet Cloth

**Hey, Sherlock. - JM**

 **I'm thinking. - SH**

 **About what? - JM**

 **A case. - SH**

 **How's it rated? - JM**

 **Only a six, but it could go up. Is it yours?- SH**

 **Not if it's just a six. - JM**

 **U must not have found mine yet...- JM**

 **What do you mean? - SH**

 **Nothing. Nothing at all. - JM**

 **Ignore what I said. - JM**

 **Alright. - SH**

 **So... U getting anywhere with the case? - JM**

 **Not really, I've been thinking about it all week, and nothing not a single lead has presented itself. - SH**

 **lol. Maybe u should take a break? - JM**

 **I'll take a break from solving crimes as soon as you take a break from committing them. And please stop using 'U' in place of 'you' and 'lol' in place of... whatever it means.** **\- SH**

 **So basically never, then. - JM**

 **And what's wrong with using abbreviations and acronyms? - JM**

 **You're a smart man, Jim, but when you text, you look like an idiot. - SH**

 **It's perfectly normal, people everywhere use it every day. - JM**

 **I know, but you're not normal are you? - SH**

 **How about a compromise? - JM**

 **I'm listening. - SH**

 **I'll do it _less._ \- JM**

 **How about that? - JM**

 **Unless you're annoying me of course. - JM**

 **Then I'll use it more than normal on purpose. - JM**

 **I wouldn't put it past you.- SH**

 **Good. Because it's not. - JM**

 **Hmm... - JM**

 **What? - SH**

 **I'm hungry. - JM**

 **I want food. - JM**

Sherlock was surprised to find that at the mention of food, his stomach rumbled.

 **I'm a bit peckish myself. - SH**

 **No food in the flat? - JM**

 **Nothing appealing. - SH**

 **I've experimented on most of it. - SH**

 **Is John there? - JM**

 **No, he's visiting his sister today, why? - SH**

 **Wanna drop by Angelo's for a bite to eat? - JM**

Sherlock considered this for a moment.

He didn't usually eat on a case, but he hadn't gotten anything figured out.

It would be less boring than if he went by himself.

And he wouldn't have to wait for John to get back.

Besides, spending some time with a criminal might spark a hypothesis.

 **Fix your text, then I'll say yes. - SH**

 **Fine. - JM**

 **Do you want to get a bite to eat at Angelo's? - JM**

 **Yes. - SH**

* * *

Sherlock was already sitting in his usual spot when Moriarty got there.

They both ordered and ate.

"This is _soooo_ good." Moriarty said, chowing down on his sandwich. "I can't believe I've stalked you when you went here, but never actually bothered to try the food."

"I saw you drink a fizzy drink." Sherlock commented.

"Well yeah, but-" Moriarty cut himself off. "You know when I'm there?"

"Of course Jim, it takes me a few minutes, I'll give you that," Sherlock said, "But you aren't as sneaky as you think you are."

Moriarty crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at Sherlock, pouting.

"You'd be better at it if you spent more time with ordinary people. The best way to hide is to blend into the scene." Sherlock said, taking a bite of his own sandwich.

"Don't you think I know that?" Moriarty said.

"You know it, yes, but you're not that great at applying it."

"Shut up." Moriarty muttered.

Sherlock rolled his eyes.

"And John says I'm dramatic..."

Moriarty kicked Sherlock's leg underneath the table.

"You're only proving my point." Sherlock smirked.

"Ugh! Just change the subject!" Moriarty said. "Tell me about that case you're working on."

Sherlock frowned.

"Well, it's one of the more difficult easy ones I've worked on." Sherlock said. "Not because it's all that confusing, but simply because I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle yet."

"So... Murder? Theft? Burglary? Arson? What?"

"Actually, it's only breaking and entering."

"So they broke in, and didn't steal anything?"

"No, they left something instead." Sherlock said.

"What?"

"A piece of emerald green velvet."

Moriarty stared at Sherlock for a moment before he started to laugh.

"What?" Sherlock asked, confused.

"You know how I said it wasn't mine when we were texting?" Jim said, laughing so hard his eyes were watering.

"Yes." Sherlock narrowed his eyes.

"Well, it actually is." Moriarty said. "It was actually a training exercise for some of the newer of my network. They were just supposed to break in and drop a piece of cloth the color of their team."

"Oh." Sherlock said. "Well that's disappointing. It looked promising."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll get a new one soon enough."

"Probably."

* * *

 **A/N: Well that deviated from my original train of thought. It worked though. Oh well. Reviews!**


	4. A Stinky New Case

**Hey Sherlie?-JM**

 **What?- SH**

 **You ever think that maybe it would be BORING for me to clean up all of your messes? Wayyyyy to much paperwork.-JM**

 **Yes.- SH**

 **Yes, I did.- SH**

 **It's almost more BORING than watching Mycroft through the surveillance cameras.-JM**

 **True. All he ever does is eat cake.- SH**

 **You would think it would be harder to run the British government.-SH**

 **Watching** ** _you_** **through Mycroft's surveillance is much more entertaining.-JM**

 **I'm not sure how to respond to that.- SH**

 **Wait! Does that mean that the Amazing, Mighty, Brilliant Sherlock Holmes is speechless? Lol. Ugh. These people are BORING.-JM**

 **Do they really think I care about the costs of rebuilding my empire. Do you want like 20 new related cases because that's what this about to be. UGH!-JM**

 **Hmm... I know what I want to say, and I know what I ought to say. I choose the first. Send them over.- SH**

 **YAY! Lol. I was Jking tho... I dont want to have to bother with hiring new people. I'll send you one of the assistants instead. Probably a 6 or 7.-JM**

 **Why don't you deface them first so it's an eight?-SH**

 **Picky, Picky, Picky. Goodness you're a lot of work aren't you?-JM**

 **You do know to deface them after they're dead, right?- SH**

 **I don't know Sherlie I was kind of thinking more of the Joker from Batman. OOOOOHHHH Lol Idea! Just you wait for this surprise Sherl.-JM**

 **Batman?- SH**

 **OH GOSH! You are so BORING SHERL! How has your little pet not made you watch it yet?-JM**

 **He tried, but then I stunk up the flat and we had to go to Mycroft's for the week. That was terrible.- SH**

 **Goodness Sherlie! How many bean burritos did John get you to eat?!-JM**

 **...13... It was for an experiment!- SH**

 **... You really don't understand the concept of a joke do you?!-JM**

 **Yes, I do...- SH**

 **Your assumption just happened to be correct.- SH**

 **I hate burritos.-SH**

 **Studies do say they're the most effective.-SH**

 **GOSH! Let's just change the subject.-JM**

 **Bored.- SH**

 **Ummmmmmmm-JM**

 **ummmmmmmmmmmm-Jm**

 **Stop. - SH**

 **That's annoying. - SH**

 **UMMMMMMMM NAh-JM**

 **I can hear you thinking from here, at least think something interesting.- SH**

 **I wonder if the world would survive Anderson being slightly intelligent?-JM**

 **It's not like that would every happen, so why even entertain the possibility?- SH**

 **I could go back to sayin UMMMMMMMMMM-JM**

 **Alright, alright! Hm... -SH**

 **HAVEN'T YOU FOUND MY CASE YET?! It's so boring without having you be desperate for clues.-JM**

 **Lestrade hasn't said anything.- SH**

 **Give me a moment, I'll ask.- SH**

 **Okay.- JM**

* * *

 **Do you have any new cases George?- SH**

 **It's Greg, and No I don't.**

 **Are you sure?- SH**

 **Do you have intel that I should know about?**

 **No.- SH**

 **Well if you did I would say that maybe you should look into it before more people get hurt.**

 **Hypothetically of course.**

 **Thank you, Geoffrey. You have been most helpful.- SH**

 **It's Greg! Ugh.**

* * *

 **Lestrade has been most helpful. I will speak to you once I find your case. -SH**

 **And I will.- SH**

 **Good luck... Sherlie! LOL-JM**

 **I've been giving you so many clues... It's totes redic.-JM**

 **Lates-JM**

* * *

 _A/N: How'd ya like it? This was done with the help of my best friend . If you want to read more stuff with ships she's the one for you. She'll be working harder on updating more. If you liked the way she wrote Moriarty, be sure to review and tell me so I can have her help in later chapters. She's a little wilder than me, so I think she fits the character better._


	5. Johnhog and Sherlotter are NOT pets

**John, can you pick up some hydrochloric acid from Tesco?- SH**

 **First they don't sell hydrochloric acid at Tesco, and second go get it yourself.**

 **Why?- SH**

 **For which one?**

 **Both.-SH**

 **For the first one... It's because they don't want sociopaths dissolving perfectly good jumpers in acid.**

 **For the second one... It's because you need to get out of the flat.**

 **It's just because you don't want to leave Mary, isn't it?- SH**

 **Well Sherlock she is my wife, and she is sick so... yes**

 **But she's soooo boooooorrrrinnggggg!- SH**

 **So is being your grocery boy.**

 **But... I am your friend.-SH**

 **But... She is my wife.**

 **But I am your** ** _BEST_** **friend. - SH**

 **Well yes but... I promised to** ** _stay_** **with her in sickness and in health, so I can't very well leave her now.**

 **Do you actually think that people know what they're saying when they repeat those words?- SH**

 **People almost never actually do what they say they will.- SH**

 **Plus, 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway.- SH**

 **You looked that up didn't you?**

 **Don't try to deny it. There is no way that you used that on a case.**

 **I might have seen a documentary... On Youtube...- SH**

 **It's YouTube. Are you sure it wasn't just a skit or humor vid?**

 **Positive. It's true. I always check my facts.- SH**

 **Who put it on the Tube?**

 **PointlessBlog -SH**

 **What kind of name is that?!**

 **A pointless one.- SH**

* * *

 **You shouldn't try to be funny Sherlock. I'm the funny one.-MH**

 **What?!- SH**

 **Your cameras aren't that accurate!-SH**

 **Of course not idiot. You haven't heard of phone mirroring?-MH**

 **Of course I have, I just didn't think you would be smart enough to utilize that resource.- SH**

 **Of course not, I just run the British government... I mean, a small position...-MH**

 **You** **shouldn't try to use sarcasm over text, it's not always very clear.-SH**

 **What are you going to do to stop me? How are you going to do it...Willy-MH**

 **I don't know, how do you think I will do it, Mikeeeeeeeeeey!?- SH**

 **Don't make me tell Mum. I could get you off cases for 3 months. If I was feeling merciful.-MH**

 **Ah, don't make threats you can't carry out. You'll need me long before 3 months is up.-SH**

 **How many cases has it been this month? What? 5?- SH**

 **Please I don't NEED you for cases. I could do them myself. It's just there's so much...Leg work.-MH**

 **Which you refuse to do. Thus, you do "NEED" me, as you so eloquently put it.- SH**

 **Don't you have a pet that needs your attention?-MH**

 **First of all, John is not my pet.-SH**

 **Yet you knew exactly who I was talking about when I said "pet".-MH**

The ellipsis bubble appeared and re-appeared multiple times before Sherlock sent an acceptable response. In his eyes at least.

 **Just because he get's called that a lot doesn't make it any more true. -SH**

 **Let's look at the evidence. You brought him to 221B. He then followed you to a crime scene. After being at the scene he still followed you even after you left without him.-MH**

 **He is the equivalent of a lost puppy... or hedgehog.-MH**

 **Hedgehog.- SH**

 **Why does everyone say hedgehog?!- SH**

 **John is not my pet, he is not my puppy, and he is most definitely not my hedgehog!-SH**

 **Sure Sherlotter. What ever helps you swim through the day.-MH  
**

 **Fare thee well dear brother.-MH**

 **At long last, Mycroft.-SH**

* * *

A/N: And here is yet another chapter in which my friend helped out with non-Sherlock characters. Did you like my tumblr references. I couldn't resist after the pet comment. MRS. Massenet had to talk me into it. I'm not actually on tumblr though. Just pinterest. Which is where I found the tumblr posts. Weird, isn't it? How every thing gets around to where it really doesn't matter which social network thing you go on? Huh. Anyway, bye.


	6. Date Night

**What are you doing? - SH**

 **Why SHERLIE I didn't know you cared?-JM**

 **I don't. Nothing interesting has happened for the past two months. What are you planning? - SH**

 **Well... Since you care SOOOOOO much I GUUUUUUESS I'll tell you.-JM**

 **Go on then. - SH**

 **I've been abroad.-JM**

 **And... - SH**

 **...Bored now. I think I'll go out somewhere for some fresh air.-JM**

 **Where are you going? -SH**

 **Don't be too desperate Sherl I might get the wrong idea. xD-JM**

 **Well if you are sooooooooooo desperate to know I am either going out for ice cream...-JM**

 **Or going to commit a heinous crime.-JM**

 **I'll decided in the car.-JM**

 **Your use of 11 vowels in one word is appalling. Why do you over use letters so often?- SH**

 **Because I know you'll count them. -JM**

 **But here we are back at the beginning with you paying me so much attention.-JM**

 **I'm flattered Darling, but John might get jealous. - JM**

* * *

Sherlock stared at the phone, unsure what to be more confused about. The use of a conjunction at the beginning of sentence, the fact that Jim called him darling, or the reason that John might get jealous.

* * *

 ** _My-Other-Half is typing... ... ..._**

 **Cat got your tongue shhhhheeeeeeerrrliiiiiiiie?-JM**

 **For one to have got my tongue I would have to obtain said cat.-SH**

 **Your deliberate obtuseness astounds me. lol.-JM**

 **Once again, that dreaded "lol" - SH**

 **Wooooowie! Did SHERLOCK HOLMES _JUST_ TYPE LOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL?! -JM**

 **Only in reference to your insolence. -SH**

 **Stillll couuuuuuunts.-JM**

 **Did you ever decide between getting ice cream and committing a heinous crime? - SH**

 **Check outside-JM**

 **What did you do? - SH**

 **I couldn't make up my mind. BYE BYE SHERLS-JM**

* * *

John's face twisted into something of a frown as he walked up to the front door.

 _A package?_

 _I didn't order anything._

 _I bet Sherlock ordered another batch of hydrochloric acid. I told him not to keep that in the flat!_

Being that it was unusually warm for London, John didn't expect the package to be cool to the touch.

He carried it up the stairs into the house where he was ambushed by Sherlock, asking if he had seen a package.

"You know what this is then?" John asked, pointing at the package in his other hand.

"No, I don't." Sherlock breathed in anticipation. "I do have a guess though."

"It better not be messy, I just had the couch cleaned, Sherlock!"

"Oh no, it's way better than that." He said, snatching the package from John's hands. He turned and nearly glided into his room, leaving John standing there, quite confused.

"Alright then..."

* * *

Sherlock set the package on the bed, not being able to help himself as a slight grin settled on his face.

 _Finally, something interesting._

He slowly opened the paper bag and pulled out a small box wrapped like a present, along with two quarts of vanilla ice cream and a note.

 ** _Heard it was your favorite. - JM_**

 _Heard, or just watched?_ Sherlock thought.

His attention was drawn to the box in blue paper.

His fingers gently grazed the perfectly wrapped parcel.

* * *

John stared at Sherlock's phone, which was left on the couch.

 _He's been on it an awful lot lately... I wonder what he's up to..._

 _I shouldn't._

 _I'm going to._

John slid his finger across the lock screen, only to find that Sherlock had a password.

 _Of course._

 _What would Sherlock's password be?_

 _Probably random numbers and letters, with my luck._

 _But no, he's more methodical than that. It would be something no one could guess, but still not entirely random._

 _Something that nobody knows that Sherlock knows, because they think he thinks he knows everything._

 _Ah._

 _Yes._

John's fingers hovered over the phone.

 ** _G_**

 ** _R_**

 ** _E_**

 ** _G_**

John mentally congratulated himself when the phone unlocked and came to the home screen. He also struggled to keep himself from laughing.

 _No, giggling would attract Sherlock's attention. I can't do that._

 _Let's see who he's been texting so much._

 _And smiling about..._

John's eyes widened as he read text after text to... to... He couldn't even bring himself to think it. _James Moriarty!?_

 _WHAT?!_

 _I don't- I don't understand?!_

John's phone pinged, and remained in shock even as he fished it out of his pocket.

* * *

 **My, my what a bad little boy you are, John. Didn't your mother teach you it's wrong to read other children's messages?-JM**

 **John is typing... ... ...**

 **... ... ...**

 **It's bad manners to read a text, not respond. Sherlock would be so disappointed.-JM**

 **Since when did he care about manners anyway? I'm not sure talking consistently with your arch-nemesis is all that great of manners either.**

 **You're juuust jealous that he texts me more than you. Poor thing.- JM**

 **Why would I be- NOT YOU TOO!**

 **Oh now don't be like that. Why my fandom would be so displeased. -JM**

 **Fandom?! What?!**

 **No no no no no.**

 **Sherlock and I are NOT a couple.**

 **Oh of COURSE not. I'm SOOOOOOO Sorry. MY MISTAKE.-JM**

 **So you live together?-JM**

 **Yes**

 **Just curious, but do you buy food for each other?-JM**

 **Well, yes, but we're flatmates.**

 **Have you ever used his card to buy things?-JM**

 **Yes, but only because he'd starve if I didn't.**

 **Do you go out to dinner occasionally?-JM**

 **Yes...**

 **DATING-JM**

* * *

 **WRONG! -SH**

 **Does that mean you're free for dinner Saturday night. I know this sweet little minx who would LOVE to catch up with you.-JM**

 **Would you stop trying to set me up with Irene? I don't know how many times I have to say that I'm NOT interested. -SH**

 **On a much more interesting note I must say that you and John seem to have the most horrible habit of trespassing the laws of privacy.-JM**

 **Be as that may, I have a reason... -SH**

 **What is that? - JM**

 **A reason.- SH**

 **Well as much fun as this is I believe that you and John are about to have a "domestic" as Mrs. Hudson calls it. Au revior-JM**

* * *

"Sherlock!"

"And thus begins the battle." Sherlock muttered to himself.

* * *

 _ **A/N: Hey guys, once again, my best friend wrote for Moriarty, and I wrote for Sherlock. The portion that wasn't texts was a team effort. Oh, and to fill a plot hole, Sherlock began texting Moriarty on John's phone after John got hold of his.**_


	7. Entrails?

**I'd like to thank you for your little... gift. - SH**

 **Now now Billy, I would think that you mother would teach you to send a more formal thank you note for something that delighted you so thoroughly. -JM**

 **I thought it was rather inappropriate to celebrate the gift canopic jars containing the entrails of a thousand year old pharaoh. - SH**

 **Thousand years old?! OH MY SQUIRRELLY SHERLIE NO NO NO. Baby baby baby, when are my gifts ever that dissatisfying. No no, open the jars and see just how wild I really am.-JM**

* * *

Staring at the unusually shaped jars, Sherlock wondered how Jim possibly could have put anything inside of it without disrupting the integrity of the plainly thousand year old seals.

 _Too plainly._.. Sherlock mentally reproached himself. He quickly took a letter opener and ran it around the lip of the jar, relieving the seal of its duties entirely. The stench of recent death wafted up, penetrating his nostrils, and quickly filling the flat. Sherlock set the lid to the side, and carefully stuck a gloved hand into its contents.

* * *

 **A jar of _fresh_ entrails. How lovely. - SH**

 **Well 1/2 isn't too bad. For Mycroft. I expected more of you love. Maybe I should go play with him while you catch up. -JM**

 **I do hope you're looking forward to a day full of boredom and misery. Mycroft will refuse to do more than text. He does so despise leg work. - SH**

 **I don't suppose you tire quite as quickly hmm? Perhaps I should ask John for that particular bit of knowledge. ;-) Do you think we could swap stories? Perhaps over a weekly manicure session? -JM**

 **John's already had his monthly manicure. I don't believe he'll want another one for a while. - SH**

 **What an uncivilized plebeian you are Sherlock. A manicure cannot last a month. Tell John I'll send for him 10:47 on the dot tomorrow and that tardiness is of little value to me. -JM**

 **You, however, are uninvited. Attempting to accompany him into the vehicle will result in harm coming to John. We wouldn't want that little hedgehog to be distressed would we dearest?-JM**

 **We've digressed from the real problem at hand - The fresh entrails? - SH**

 **Oh BORING. It already took you too long to figure out what they were and I don't have the patience to wait for you to figure out who they were. We were talking about MUCH more interesting things. -JM**

 **Then suppose I had caught on quicker before, what would we be discussing now? - SH**

 **The way this was supposed to work is you stay up to speed with me, then you demand that I tell you what's going on and bada bing bada boom you have bested me and emerge victorious once again. -JM**

 **...You want me to defeat you? - SH**

 **OF COURSE NOT! YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! The minute you are no longer a worthy opponent to me is precisely the minute I go back to being the only person in the world who actually understands anything!- JM**

 **I thought you said Mycroft did? - SH**

 **NO NO NO. SHERLOCK! I said if you were going to continue to be an idiot I might as well talk to Mycroft. Mycroft would never be a worthy opponent. He is too easy!- JM**

 **Well then, at least we agree upon one point. A museum murder, was it? 3 days ago? - SH**

 **Dullllllll Sherlll. Too easy. You're not looking DEEPER. Same reason you missed the seals. They looked so perfect you didn't realize they looked tooo perfect look deeper. What's that thing from the Disney movie with the ginger with the horrible accent- JM**

 **You mean the one who has and accent quite similar to your own?- SH**

 **It's different! She sounds uncivilized!-JM**

 **Are you referencing the poem about looking inside...-SH**

 **I knew there was a reason I texted you instead of Mycroft. ;-)-JM**

* * *

Sherlock grabbed the empty plate from the side table, and dug his hand deeper into the jar of organs. He pulled them out by handfuls, and spread them out across the plate. He intensely examined each sliver of organic material, taking special attention to a small incision in the heart. It was tiny, even he wouldn't have noticed it had he not been looking for something abnormal and symbolic. Carefully prying apart the walls of the heart, he widened the incision. Snagging the only thing within reach, he used John's favorite pocket knife to gently prob at the heart. A discoloration became visible, and Sherlock more anxiously dug into the heart.

He couldn't believe his eyes. A toy soldier. A tiny toy soldier emerged from the heart. Surely the incision would have to be bigger to fit that in? Surely?

* * *

 **Any explanation to go along with this one, or am I supposed to guess? - SH**

 **Guessing's half the fun! - JM**

* * *

A/N: Well, it's been awhile. Once again, I must give credit to my spectacular friend for the role of Moriarty. Sorry for the short chapter, but we felt it best to have something to feed you.


End file.
